What It's Like

Expressing what being a Demisexual is like, falling in love with your best friend and the confusion of loving queer men.

Poetry from Notes in iPhone

It feels like everyone is trying to go too fast with me
So I guess I just fuck once every Halloween
There's something magical about my attraction to you
I always thought you were my lucky charm
And I would wake up drunk face down under you on jack o’ lanterns

I'm not even with myself weekly
And those are dreams where I can do anything
I guess my mind just doesn't imagine
Sleeping with you that often
I'm not sure if it's because you're a boy
because you're a queer one
Or because I'm just confused about what's going on
I'm sure it doesn't make much sense to you either
Or maybe it does since your idea of sex is your cock ramming into another man's ass
And mine is soft tender touches between kisses and lips licking a woman's crevice below
Maybe that's what I thought I was doing with you

I'm trying to make boys less interesting to me
Still a strange curiosity much reminiscent of Adam and Eve
You put the fantasy of waking up in the garden of Eden inside of me
Praise God!
Holy is the lamb!
I've never felt something so juicy and vivid as thine heavenly fantasy
As I lick my pussy juice off my fingers
Well now that that's over...


Being asexual feels like a broken light switch
Permanently turned off
Which is why it's terrifying to come home in the middle of the day
And find that lamp burning bright
As if whoever was there while you were gone fixed it
Even though you've known about it for 20 years
You lit a fire under my ass and I wasn't ready
I'm still not sure if it was because you were a boy
Or because I trusted you
Or I thought alcohol would keep me safe
But it didn't

Being asexual but curious is trying to go as fast as you can while you're blacked out
Because anything you do when you're drunk doesn't count right?
And it's much better to experience something that you really can't remember
And judge it as saying "it wasn't that great"

Being asexual and homeless is like playing a game of shot roulette
And spinning around and around
And falling off and acting like it wasn't fun
I guess it was but I'm not trying to admit it
You took me in so 

I guess I would do anything to have a home
 

Maybe all people are the same
Maybe you feel just like me and you didn't notice it
Or maybe there are actually people who need to have sex once a week or once a day
And can't go without it
And don't have bigger things to be worried about
Like where to lay your head at night when you can't afford food
Instead of getting one off or whatever you all do

Maybe being asexual isn't real and I'm just pretentious
Because I don't have time for sex
And who would want to fuck someone as fat as me
Even though I turn down men all the time
Who only think my black skin is a sign of having a loose cunt
Whoever told them that it was
Did you?

I guess being asexual isn't that bad
Just confusing
Sometimes I forget that I'm queer
That I've had at least two vaginas in my mouth
That I've wanted to suck at least one dick
But usually I don't think about that
It's never on my mind because
What I do is not who I am
I just wish I knew what was