Tonight, you might finally achieve what you've long been working toward: pegging a dude. Articulate your specific desire(s) around that.

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Something I think about a lot is power dynamics and sex, especially as a queer woman of color, as someone who sleeps with people of all genders and sexualities. I don’t know that I consciously am doing research about patterns, but something I’ve noticed is straight cis men tend to by default identify as more dominant and have no interest in playing with submission or bottoming, because it’s emasculating to them—a very “I’m not gay, bro,” knee-jerk reaction, even if that’s not consciously how they feel, and they think of themselves as open-minded. In reality, they’re only open-minded within the bounds of them being in control.

 

That particular pattern became very stark to me. Why are straight cis dudes so opposed to [bottoming]? Why are they so comfortable and readily open to trying kinky things when they’re the dominant party, but they’re not open to even the smallest acts of submission? Being a queer woman of color, I am comparatively powerless to them outside of the bedroom. Why would I also want that inside the bedroom? I identify as a switch, [but] I found myself falling into this default [submissive] role with a lot of dudes. Having dabbled in kink, I was inclined to be interested in trying new things and experimenting and exploring that side of myself. I’d been a top with women, but not as frequently with men—and that dominance had smaller bounds than when I had been dominated—when this [desire] first started coming up. That was interesting to me. Why is it that these gender roles still apply to us, even in bed?

 

I became really taken with not just the power element, but the pleasure element, and men denying themselves the opportunity to immense pleasure just because of their own hold ups that are society-based and not to do with real desire. The flip side of that is maybe in actuality, there is curiosity and desire and interest there, but not allowing the self to admit to that because of roles that are assigned to us because of gender or sexuality or race. That goes against my ethos with sex, probably because I’m queer, but also just in general. I am constantly pushing against my own ideas of self within the confines of gender and sexuality and race. Trying to unlearn narratives that were put on me and trying to really mine and excavate where they come from and why I feel certain ways about myself. The interest sprung from both thinking it could be something fun and a frustration with default power dynamics and wanting to reclaim power.

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There’ve been a few times where you came close to making this happen, but so far, no luck. Why do you think that is?

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I’ve been so close so many times. Half of the time it hasn’t come through is precisely because of what I was saying, it’s this self-checking alarm that you are doing something outside the fray that goes against your “manliness” and “straightness.” It’s a threat to power. The people that have been open to it tend to be a little older. Personally, I experimented a lot more when I was younger, but for these straight cis men, it’s almost as if they’ve gotten bored and they’re trying to keep chasing something more and more “extreme” in pursuit of pleasure. The desire for pleasure has started to outweigh fear of losing power. The ability for there to still be something new is exciting.

 

I could argue that’s part of the appeal to me, too. Right now, I feel a little like I’m prepping to lose my virginity. The guy who I may be pegging tonight—I was having a conversation with him, and I was like, “I’m a little nervous, more because I want it to be good for you.” Even in my “dominance,” I still care about my partner and want it to be enjoyable for them. It’s interesting that gender dynamics come out even within this “subversive act.”

 

Tonight is potentially the night. How are you feeling?

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I feel ready emotionally and spiritually, sexually. It feels a little surreal to be so close to finally doing it. Tom Ford said [something like] this in a GQ interview: “Every man should get fucked once.” I agree with that, insofar as every person within what feels safe and good to them should be open to things that could be pleasurable to them with someone they feel safe and comfortable trying those things with. Something I try to be conscious of with myself is, am I actually interested in this thing, but not allowing myself to be interested in it because I don’t believe I should be allowed to be? On the other side, am I only interested because society tells me I’m supposed to be, when in actuality it’s not something I’m interested in? I don’t know that a lot of the straight cis dudes I’ve spoken with do that kind of internal digging, and in the process might be denying themselves better sex, better orgasms, better experiences.

 

Something I’ve realized is I don’t know if I’ll be able to settle down—whatever that means—unless I’ve scratched this particular itch, whether that’s with a committed partner who is interested or someone in between serious relationships. I don’t know that I would be satisfied without having this experience. It’s been a journey finding someone who’s open to it and excited about it and likewise thinks it could be enjoyable and pleasurable.

 

Talk about how race factors into this particular desire.

 

The appeal of the act is much greater for me if it’s a straight white cis dude. That is a key element of the power dynamics of it, unfortunately, by nature of society and the world. (Interestingly enough, of the people who’ve been interested, it’s been a pretty healthy split between people of color and white people.) I had a conversation with my therapist that maybe my boundary for dating white men in the future is if they’re also open to pegging, because I find my relationships with white men to be very unfulfilling in many ways. I’m perfectly happy to be the more submissive in bed, but there’s something very boring to me about being submissive to a white person in bed.

 

It’s an inherently playful thing, the act of pegging. It’s playful in a way that me getting fucked by a cis dude isn’t. I think sex should be fun and there’s a certain level of open-mindedness that comes with something like pegging, which means a certain level of playfulness. I’m very interested in that in my sex life. Part of the joy of kink is that playfulness, for me.

 

The closest I came to pegging a guy was when I was a Domme for a week. There was a lot of playfulness in that, being someone’s full-time Domme. He was into puppy play and I was like, this is not for me, but it’s very cute. The whole thing was also a great example of it falling through, because a lot of kink is fantasy. There are safe words, you can come out of it if you need to. In his case, I called him out for racism, and he snapped out of his “role” and was like, “You can’t talk to me that way.” Immediately, power dynamics were back to what they really were. (He was white, obviously.) It startled me. It ruined the fantasy. I have no interest in fucking racists, whether pegging or otherwise.

 

Fantasy is an illusion, that doesn’t make it less enjoyable—so why not peg someone and pretend I have power? I do in that moment. The person I’m going to peg will always make more money than me and be able to move through the world in a way I will never be able to. But for just a moment, who’s your daddy?

 

I deal with so much racist bullshit that there is a degree of wanting to remember that race is a social construct and that I can reclaim power, particularly over my oppressor. Not to say that I wouldn’t peg someone else—if people are knocking at my door trying to get my fake dick in them, I’m here. Mama’s home.

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And a post-peg update:

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He said it was the best pegging he'd ever gotten. She's a natural honey!!!!